Friday, December 14, 2012

So sad

After the two horrible tragedies that happened today I say screw the rules. I am going to hug those kids after the go to bed tonight, and they will be getting a good report tonight even with them acting like little monsters.

Poor Susie

Poor, poor sweet Susie. She had her magic revoked and was tossed out of her home. She even got banned from the North Pole. No one is saying what she did to receive the harshest punishment of all,  but I have it from a real good source that Mrs. Claus lost her shit on her when she seen Susie kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. Well a couple of nights ago actually, last night just sounded better.You know like that song the people sing about mommy kissing Santa Claus.

 A few of us got the surprise of our lives when we got together for Chip's bachelor party last night.
Susie was the ummm entertainment! Boy was her face as red as the suits we are forced to wear. When she seen us there. Many, many years ago we had a little thing going on. I will tell you this that girl sure knew how to work a pole. Maybe that is why Santa has been extra jolly lately. I just hope that this little spat at the Pole doesn't affect Christmas this year. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty

Kitty, why haven't you called?  It has been like a week since I last heard from you. I miss you. I went on a Christmas cookies bender last night. I ate almost all the cookies that mom had made. Luckily she blamed the girls for that one. I will never get all the sprinkles off my suit, they are just like fucking glitter I will still be finding some this times next year.
Now where is that Pepto?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Greedy little sons of bitches

So I thought I'd help out again. I know, I know I am such a giving elf going above and beyond the call of duty here. I thought I'd be nice and hang up the kid's stocking here. 
HOLY HELL WTF! These things are huge! I don't mean larger than normal I mean they are the size of this family's two year old son, and he is huge, not fat just tall. He is the size of a small 3 year old. I think I overheard mom saying on the phone last month at his 2 year appointment that he was already at 36 inches. That is 3 feet tall.

Just how much crap do they think that they will get? I know for a FACT that they will not be filled that much with the attitudes that they have had here these past few days. If they were my kids they would of been beat.  

Monday, December 10, 2012

Such a pretty mouth

Oh Barbie maybe I was wrong. Maybe deep down I liked you bossing me around. Maybe I was mad because of how you spurned my affections in the past. I'm sorry Barbie, but at least now I can have part of you forever. After the holidays I am going to take you back to my place at the North Pole where we can be together forever you pretty, pretty, girl. Now give me a kiss.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Vote for me.

I need your help here if you could please go to this page Inappropriate Elf Contest and vote for me in a contest I promise to get really really bad, and if I win fan favorite Watch out world!  Please feel free to share this link with your friends and ask them to vote for me too. Please & Thank you.

I am number 31 and it is this photo since we were told to keep it PG-13

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Wow, everything really IS on the internet

So in a way I got last night off as the family took an overnight trip for big sister's cheer competition. I got bored and jumped on-line. I found the most interesting site. I never knew there were other kinds of elves. The computers at the North Pole told us that only kind of elves out there are us, ones that make shoes, and those that live in trees and make cookies. Never did it show anyone tall elves with long flowing hair. Elves who ride tigers. Elves who have long legs that go up to their neck. Elves that hardly wear any clothing. Warrior elves who don't take any shit from anyone. Elves that can beat your ass. Oh how I wish that this tall goddess would beat my ass. Speaking of beating I got to go umm make some cookies.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Oh My Mistletoe!

After totally tossing all the laundry that was neatly folded on the couch all over the floor last night, I decided to kick back on the couch with a cold one and watch some television. I was mesmerized when I came upon this show while channel surfing. The show is called Dexter. That man is brilliant! I have a new favorite show. If you have not seen it I highly suggest you start watching it.

I was really getting into the show when this bitch Barbie, sashays into the room and demands that I move from "her spot". She also grabs the remote away from me and puts on this Project Runway shit. Dafaq?

She orders me to get her a snack. Fuck that shit. I was about to tell her where to go and how to get there when an idea popped into my head. I made like I was going to do Her Royal Pain in the Ass' bidding. I skip into the kitchen with a smile plastered on my face. I search the kitchen for some things that I will need. I do pick up a little snack as well. Barbie did have a good call there. I could have gone for a too, and it would make what I was about to do so much easier. As she moved to get the snack, CHOP! OFF WITH HER HEAD. 
Her days of being a bitch are done. Thanks for the idea Dexter. I'm your biggest little fan! 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Lending a helping hand.

Never let it be said that I just sit here and spy on this family. No sir. I help out here and there when I can with some of the household chores. After all I really am a good elf. Why just this evening while mom took the kids to big sister's cheer practice I took it upon myself to clean the privy. There was even a perfect sized brush right there in the same room for me to use. Must of been my lucky day. 

So that is how I got home

Thanks for the lift Chuck. I passed out in the same spot I was before I left and the little sister called me out on it. Oh well. don't care. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Sneaked out early

Figured what the hell and cut out of here early tonight. I sent Santa a text saying that one of the kids is sick and I looks like they will be up all night so I won't be able to sneak away since they were laying on the couch and planned on sleeping there all night.

I couldn't wait to get out of here and meet up with Kitty, the girl from the other night. She had said that she had a birthday surprise for me. Can I say BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!? Holy shit this is one crazy chick. But crazy in a good way. I head over to her apartment and she had a little surprise party planned for me. Her and two of her friends were having a slumber party and I was invited to join them to bust a nut or two. Have I mentioned how glad I am I got this one's number.

Even better they didn't expect me to hang around afterwards. Told me to go out with my friends for some Krampusnact fun. 

For those that don't know about the krampus, they are demon like creatures that punish the bad childern on the eve of St. Nicholas' Day. The krampus capture the naughty children, put them in his sack and carries them away to his liar.  
This is the traditional image of a krampus. No wonders great granny went for him with a tongue like that, whips and chains I bet he drove all the girls crazy. Now a days it is an excuse to knock back a few drinks, get dressed up in a costume, and wander the streets scaring little children that happen to be out and beating random strangers with sticks. Sometimes even going door to door of local homes where it is customary to give the demons some schnapps. I do love me some cinnamon schnapps. It is like trick or treating for drunks.   

Well frost my cookies.

Well tie me up with Christmas lights and tickle me with tinsel! I am in shock here I tell you, SHOCK!
I just had a visit here from the Boss Man himself and a few of my friends from the North Pole. They brought me a cupcake and sang to me. Ginger and her hubby Stan even sneaked me in a special treat. Lets just say I am no longer freezing my chestnuts off here. I do think it is funny though, never before has Santa visited me while on the job. Either someone is a narc or he wanted to check out the rack on the mom here. What a rack it is.  

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Dream on Cosmo.

So I hear my text notification going off and I see that Cosmo has sent me a photo. I open it up and see this.  He wishes. On another note that girl from the club in Hollywood called me and wants to get together tomorrow night for my birthday. She said that she picked me up a little something and wants to give it to me. All I want to do is give it to her again, and again, and again. Right now I feel as big as that banana Cosmo is molesting. I hope I'll be peeling her clothes off tomorrow. 

I'm a bad elf, so says little sister

I am still laughing from this one. Last year was my first year with this family and I was going through some shit and really wasn't into doing mischievous things. I'd just move from spot to spot not doing much else. This year has been different though. In addition to my adventures that you read about here I have also been doing things around the house the kiddies might like or find funny. When little sister woke up this morning and seen what I did to the tree. She was mad, and said that I was a bad elf. It took all I had not to burst out laughing and giving myself away. If she only knew.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Have a nice trip

So it seems big sister really doesn't want to play by the rules. She thinks that Santa and us elves are not real.  She is getting an attitude as big as that red-nosed flea bag Rudolph, with a mouth to match it. Well I think it is time to put that kid back in line. If I spoke to my parents in the tone she does at times I would of had my ass beaten with a licorice whip or a lollipop.

One of the house rules here is that you do not wear your shoes inside. You leave them by the door when you come in. Well Sissy didn't listen and was wearing them inside again. She has also been driving me crazy doing her doing her dance and cheer routines. Tap. Tap. Tap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Rah, rah, rah , sis. boom bah and shit. I am starting to hear those damn cheers in my sleep, even worse I catch myself saying them throughout the day. GET OUT OF MY HEAD ALREADY!

Well I came up with a little way to slow her down a bit. After I was done she was left scratching her head as to how in the hell it happened. Since daddy was at work, little sister and brother were playing and mom was in the kitchen she had no one to accuse of doing it. Let's see if she is a believer after this.
 I also left my calling card on the whipped cream that was on her pancakes for dinner tonight. Hee hee, I love how clueless humans can be sometimes.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Getting Lucky

Well Cosmo came through last night. He took me to this new club down in West Hollywood where the drinks were flowin' and the girls a hoein'. I hooked up with this hot chick in a VIP booth. This girl was just as much as a freak as I am. Being one of Santa's Little Helpers does have its perks at times. VIP access and a hot piece of ass. It doesn't get much better than that. I am so glad that I got her number. I think I will actually call this one again. 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Now here is one ballsy elf. This is my buddy Cosmo who is living with a family in Sacramento, California. Talk about being hard core, he is hitting the hooch BEFORE flying back to the North Pole tonight. We are of the same mind when it comes to having to deal with the boss. I think I will ask him if he is up for a little Krampusnacht action this year. It has been a few years since I last ran with the Krampus. (I actually have a little Krampus blood in me. It was many many years ago when my great grandma Twinkle got a little bit freaky with one of the hairy demons after indulging in the schnapps that flows that night). How can he refuse? It is my birthday that night after all. 
I warned him not to have too much run before he left and that I'd cut him if we had to sit through another seminar on the dangers of alcohol, and how it is not elf-like blah blah blah. I also reminded him of another friend BB. Well he is BB to our little circle of friends. BB stands for Blue Balls, and not the  good kind. Well that kind is really not so good either. What I am talking about is actual BLUE balls. He was having a rough day, the kids were being brats, the dog used him as a chew toy. He downed 8 ounces of some Wild Turkey before he left for our nightly check in. Took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and somehow managed to end up in the Lapland region of Finland. (I think he got confused because the area hosts their own version of Santa's Village. It is a much nicer place if you ask me, and they don't bitch about the heating bill from your room. Yes Santa charges us rent and utilities, while paying us slave wages. I think the people who work at Wal *Mart get  paid more than we do.) Anyways back to my story BB is in Rovaniemi and has passed out drunk on top of one of the reindeer stables.There was a snowfall and well when he woke up sometime the next afternoon he was almost frozen solid and his nuts were literally blue. Like two tiny shriveled up blueberries. I still laugh when I think about that.I hope that Cosmo will still be in a drinking mood after our nightly check in. I could sure use some fun tonight. I mean it is Saturday night and I want to get my freak on. Cosmo knows where the fun is at. Lucky bastard gets assigned to California how the hell did I end up in Buffalo?  

A little prick for a prick.

Ha ha ha, ho, ho. ho, hee, hee, hee. The dad here thinks he is sooooo funny. At times I admit his tormenting of the kids is funny. At least I think it is. But tonight the asshole went too far. The instruction book that I brought for the family clearly states that no one is to touch me. So what does the balding bastard do? He yanks me off the top of the tree where I was perched keeping an eye on the kids. You know an Average Elf, just doing his job. He then proceeded to horseshoe me. What the fuck??!! He grabbed me off the tree. He grabbed my arms in one hand, my legs in another, straddles my body and then drags my body back and forth over his frigging dick! Who the hell does that? The kids are screaming and start to cry, dad is laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. Mom just rolled her eyes, shook her head and went back to the book she was reading. She doesn't know it but I seen her take the shot of After Shock when she went into the kitchen to refill her mug with some more tea. (Even better she didn't close the liquor cupboard door all the way. Tonight's gonna be a good night).

Well I have a little payback for daddy No Bucks here. He has to get up at like 5am on a Saturday morning in this frigid tundra to go to work. He won't be too happy when he wakes up in the morning goes out to his car and notices the surprise I left for him.

No one fucks with me and gets away with it!

Now where did mom leave that thimble? I have an open bar with no cover charge to get to.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Well it is a start.

I was able to quickly jump on-line here while mom was giving the youngest a bath and check out my elf-mail. I was pleasantly surprised to see that maybe, just maybe some of my fellow co-workers are coming to their senses about how we as elves have been getting the short end of  the stick for hundreds of years now. These two decided to take some action. I found this photo waiting for me there. Kudos to Jack and Jill for stepping out of the mold some. Hopefully they will up the ante in the up coming days. I can teach them so much. Stick with me guys and soon we can take over the world! 

She did it! I cannot believe she drank it!

Woo hoo, I have tears in my eyes as I sit here writing this. My belly hurts from laughing so hard. Oh man, oh man, oh man. (deep breaths Walter, deep breaths). Okay. While mom was downstairs wrapping some of the presents that were delivered today, I thought I'd be the good little elf that I am and make her a nice cup of hot cocoa, it is a rather chilly night here. I know that she is usually a hot tea drinker, but I just didn't want to put forth all the effort to brew some tea. Boiling the water, measuring and steeping the tea, adding the milk and sugar. Screw that. I worked all day dammit. It is much easier opening up a packet of Swiss Miss  Besides hot chocolate worked much better with my master plan. Now not many people know this but us elves are master mimics. We can mimic any voice or sound perfectly. (You know when all of your kids toys go off when nobody is around. You think that it is the batteries going bad or something like that. Nope. It's us having some fun. We like to fuck with you like that. Now you did NOT hear that from me. Shhh). Anyways back to one of the funniest things ever. I swear I am going down in history for this one it was epic. So in her husband's voice I called down the stairs "Honey, I made you a cup of hot chocolate, come get it while it is still hot. I'm going to bed. night, love ya honey bunny." Yes he calls her honey bunny how lame is that? She finishes up the package she was wrapping and come up stairs and takes a sip of the hot chocolate. She even said out loud even though no one could hear her. "This is really good, even better than normal." she then proceeds to down it really fast. Damn can that woman drink, wonder if she can pound liquor back like that too? If so she is my kind of momma. What mommy dearest didn't know is this....are you ready for it? Yes?

Those weren't chocolate sprinkles. 

On another note the little sister lost a tooth earlier today so I am going to hang out in her bedroom tonight. Hoping to get a little Tooth Fairy action. I hear she bites. Yee haw! I like them feisty like that, hopefully I'll get to show her my magic wand and she'll leave a dollar for me as well. Smell ya later I'm outta here.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

First day back

Well yesterday was my first "official" day of full time on Brat Detail again for the season. Joy, oh joy. Here I am meeting with the boss for my first report. Looking at him makes me sick I tell you, and his breath ugh . Mouthwash my elfish ass, some one has been hitting the Peppermint Schnapps rather hard. If I had a match with me that office would of light up light a dried out Christmas tree. (Note to self pick up a lighter.)

I do have to say that the middle kid they got here is a real spit fire. I kind of like her, if only she was 18 and you know, not human.  She is going to be a wild one I tell ya, a real hell raiser. I think I will continue to keep an eye on this one even later on in life. I think I just may tell the Fat Bastard  that she is especially good. Hopefully he will bring her some annoying thing that drives her mother even more crazy than the kid does. That would be epic. 

So anyways I go into S.C.'s office give him my report, he starts talking on about something, I start to feel my eyes glaze over and tune him out. After all these years his voice has become like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons to me, you know the "Waa wah waa". I smile and nod, give the old man a wave and high tail it out of there. 

Once I am out of the Sweat Shop, err sorry the Toy Shoppe. I am swarmed by a dozen or so elves wanting to play freeze tag, and have a snowball fight.  Do I look like I am fucking 60 years old?  I raised an eyebrow, shook my head and walked past them muttering to myself. Unfucking believable. I needed to get out of that frozen tundra as I was freezing  my nuts off. Before heading back to my winter home for the night I decided to take a little trip south of the border for a night cap. I love me some tequila, not to mention the hookers.

I met this stiff Ghoulia in a bar down there. Stiff as in a total bookworm nerd type and as in dead. She was down there on Winter Break with these two guys (really slow moving, dim witted jock wannabes if you ask me) and some Princess type uptight bitch that was all wrapped up in herself. Well after dragging her away from her friends she started to warm up after I got a few shots of Jose into her. Those stiff joints and parts of her really loosened up after about three of them. She was such a lightweight. She started dancing to the music and grinding on me. Little Wally was very excited.  

Next thing I knew her skirt was off and hanging from a deer head that was mounted on the wall over the bar.  She had hopped up onto the bar and got in the supine position. She started making these grunting sounds pointing to the bottle of Cuervo and then her navel. Fuck ya body shots! I am always down for that shit. After sucking up a few shots and letting a few others have a turn. About an hour later I took Blue as I had started calling her to the men's room for a some pixie stick action. Best part of being a zombie, no gag reflex.  I hope I run into her again sometime. Who knew necrophilia could be so hot?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Season's Greetings!

   Well hello there my new friends. My name is Walter and I am one of Santa's Little Helpers. 

Some of you are already acquainted with a few of my friends, in fact I believe some of my kind are in some of your own homes right at this very moment. We are known as the elves on shelves. We are the eyes and ears of Big Red. You may know him by his other name, Santa Claus. Every day we sneak and creep around your home keeping tabs on all that you and your family do. We see everything that you do, and I do mean EVERYTHING. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). We elves take our job of watching our assigned family very seriously.  Then at night we fly back home to the North Pole, or as I call it Hell, to tell that slave driving, fat fuck who has been naughty and who has been nice. (I can be bribed for good reports you know, and do not piss me off or you WILL end up on the naughty list.) But once that report is given to the man with the bag we are on our own until morning. 

Back at "the Pole" lots of the elves like to get together catch up with one another and play some Reindeer games and bullshit like that.  Most of the elves are these goody, goody two shoes ass kissers who think that a ride on a candy cane is just the whipped cream on the hot chocolate. Now me, I'd rather have that hot chocolate take a ride on my candy cane while we take turns getting whipped if you catch my drift. I know that a few of my elf friends share my views and we have our own little "club" if you will. Where we are free to be our self, where we can indulge in our passions and let it all hang out. No need to always be chipper, prim and proper with this bunch, Thank Cthulhu and Hail Nyarlathotep!  

I am going to let you into the Secret Lives of myself and some of my friends. So grab a cold one and enjoy the show. 

Merry Christmas bitches!