Some of you are already acquainted with a few of my friends, in fact I believe some of my kind are in some of your own homes right at this very moment. We are known as the elves on shelves. We are the eyes and ears of Big Red. You may know him by his other name, Santa Claus. Every day we sneak and creep around your home keeping tabs on all that you and your family do. We see everything that you do, and I do mean EVERYTHING. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). We elves take our job of watching our assigned family very seriously. Then at night we fly back home to the North Pole, or as I call it Hell, to tell that slave driving, fat fuck who has been naughty and who has been nice. (I can be bribed for good reports you know, and do not piss me off or you WILL end up on the naughty list.) But once that report is given to the man with the bag we are on our own until morning.
Back at "the Pole" lots of the elves like to get together catch up with one another and play some Reindeer games and bullshit like that. Most of the elves are these goody, goody two shoes ass kissers who think that a ride on a candy cane is just the whipped cream on the hot chocolate. Now me, I'd rather have that hot chocolate take a ride on my candy cane while we take turns getting whipped if you catch my drift. I know that a few of my elf friends share my views and we have our own little "club" if you will. Where we are free to be our self, where we can indulge in our passions and let it all hang out. No need to always be chipper, prim and proper with this bunch, Thank Cthulhu and Hail Nyarlathotep!
I am going to let you into the Secret Lives of myself and some of my friends. So grab a cold one and enjoy the show.
Merry Christmas bitches!