I was able to quickly jump on-line here while mom was giving the youngest a bath and check out my elf-mail. I was pleasantly surprised to see that maybe, just maybe some of my fellow co-workers are coming to their senses about how we as elves have been getting the short end of the stick for hundreds of years now. These two decided to take some action. I found this photo waiting for me there. Kudos to Jack and Jill for stepping out of the mold some. Hopefully they will up the ante in the up coming days. I can teach them so much. Stick with me guys and soon we can take over the world!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Woo hoo, I have tears in my eyes as I sit here writing this. My belly hurts from laughing so hard. Oh man, oh man, oh man. (deep breaths Walter, deep breaths). Okay. While mom was downstairs wrapping some of the presents that were delivered today, I thought I'd be the good little elf that I am and make her a nice cup of hot cocoa, it is a rather chilly night here. I know that she is usually a hot tea drinker, but I just didn't want to put forth all the effort to brew some tea. Boiling the water, measuring and steeping the tea, adding the milk and sugar. Screw that. I worked all day dammit. It is much easier opening up a packet of Swiss Miss Besides hot chocolate worked much better with my master plan. Now not many people know this but us elves are master mimics. We can mimic any voice or sound perfectly. (You know when all of your kids toys go off when nobody is around. You think that it is the batteries going bad or something like that. Nope. It's us having some fun. We like to fuck with you like that. Now you did NOT hear that from me. Shhh). Anyways back to one of the funniest things ever. I swear I am going down in history for this one it was epic. So in her husband's voice I called down the stairs "Honey, I made you a cup of hot chocolate, come get it while it is still hot. I'm going to bed. night, love ya honey bunny." Yes he calls her honey bunny how lame is that? She finishes up the package she was wrapping and come up stairs and takes a sip of the hot chocolate. She even said out loud even though no one could hear her. "This is really good, even better than normal." she then proceeds to down it really fast. Damn can that woman drink, wonder if she can pound liquor back like that too? If so she is my kind of momma. What mommy dearest didn't know is this....are you ready for it? Yes?
Those weren't chocolate sprinkles.
On another note the little sister lost a tooth earlier today so I am going to hang out in her bedroom tonight. Hoping to get a little Tooth Fairy action. I hear she bites. Yee haw! I like them feisty like that, hopefully I'll get to show her my magic wand and she'll leave a dollar for me as well. Smell ya later I'm outta here.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Well yesterday was my first "official" day of full time on Brat Detail again for the season. Joy, oh joy. Here I am meeting with the boss for my first report. Looking at him makes me sick I tell you, and his breath ugh . Mouthwash my elfish ass, some one has been hitting the Peppermint Schnapps rather hard. If I had a match with me that office would of light up light a dried out Christmas tree. (Note to self pick up a lighter.)
I do have to say that the middle kid they got here is a real spit fire. I kind of like her, if only she was 18 and you know, not human. She is going to be a wild one I tell ya, a real hell raiser. I think I will continue to keep an eye on this one even later on in life. I think I just may tell the Fat Bastard that she is especially good. Hopefully he will bring her some annoying thing that drives her mother even more crazy than the kid does. That would be epic.
So anyways I go into S.C.'s office give him my report, he starts talking on about something, I start to feel my eyes glaze over and tune him out. After all these years his voice has become like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons to me, you know the "Waa wah waa". I smile and nod, give the old man a wave and high tail it out of there.
Once I am out of the Sweat Shop, err sorry the Toy Shoppe. I am swarmed by a dozen or so elves wanting to play freeze tag, and have a snowball fight. Do I look like I am fucking 60 years old? I raised an eyebrow, shook my head and walked past them muttering to myself. Unfucking believable. I needed to get out of that frozen tundra as I was freezing my nuts off. Before heading back to my winter home for the night I decided to take a little trip south of the border for a night cap. I love me some tequila, not to mention the hookers.
I met this stiff Ghoulia in a bar down there. Stiff as in a total bookworm nerd type and as in dead. She was down there on Winter Break with these two guys (really slow moving, dim witted jock wannabes if you ask me) and some Princess type uptight bitch that was all wrapped up in herself. Well after dragging her away from her friends she started to warm up after I got a few shots of Jose into her. Those stiff joints and parts of her really loosened up after about three of them. She was such a lightweight. She started dancing to the music and grinding on me. Little Wally was very excited.
Next thing I knew her skirt was off and hanging from a deer head that was mounted on the wall over the bar. She had hopped up onto the bar and got in the supine position. She started making these grunting sounds pointing to the bottle of Cuervo and then her navel. Fuck ya body shots! I am always down for that shit. After sucking up a few shots and letting a few others have a turn. About an hour later I took Blue as I had started calling her to the men's room for a some pixie stick action. Best part of being a zombie, no gag reflex. I hope I run into her again sometime. Who knew necrophilia could be so hot?
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Some of you are already acquainted with a few of my friends, in fact I believe some of my kind are in some of your own homes right at this very moment. We are known as the elves on shelves. We are the eyes and ears of Big Red. You may know him by his other name, Santa Claus. Every day we sneak and creep around your home keeping tabs on all that you and your family do. We see everything that you do, and I do mean EVERYTHING. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). We elves take our job of watching our assigned family very seriously. Then at night we fly back home to the North Pole, or as I call it Hell, to tell that slave driving, fat fuck who has been naughty and who has been nice. (I can be bribed for good reports you know, and do not piss me off or you WILL end up on the naughty list.) But once that report is given to the man with the bag we are on our own until morning.
Back at "the Pole" lots of the elves like to get together catch up with one another and play some Reindeer games and bullshit like that. Most of the elves are these goody, goody two shoes ass kissers who think that a ride on a candy cane is just the whipped cream on the hot chocolate. Now me, I'd rather have that hot chocolate take a ride on my candy cane while we take turns getting whipped if you catch my drift. I know that a few of my elf friends share my views and we have our own little "club" if you will. Where we are free to be our self, where we can indulge in our passions and let it all hang out. No need to always be chipper, prim and proper with this bunch, Thank Cthulhu and Hail Nyarlathotep!
I am going to let you into the Secret Lives of myself and some of my friends. So grab a cold one and enjoy the show.
Merry Christmas bitches!