Well frost my cookies.

Well tie me up with Christmas lights and tickle me with tinsel! I am in shock here I tell you, SHOCK!

I just had a visit here from the Boss Man himself and a few of my friends from the North Pole. They brought me a cupcake and sang to me. Ginger and her hubby Stan even sneaked me in a special treat. Lets just say I am no longer freezing my chestnuts off here. I do think it is funny though, never before has Santa visited me while on the job. Either someone is a narc or he wanted to check out the rack on the mom here. What a rack it is.  

Dream on Cosmo.

So I hear my text notification going off and I see that Cosmo has sent me a photo. I open it up and see this.  He wishes. On another note that girl from the club in Hollywood called me and wants to get together tomorrow night for my birthday. She said that she picked me up a little something and wants to give it to me. All I want to do is give it to her again, and again, and again. Right now I feel as big as that banana Cosmo is molesting. I hope I'll be peeling her clothes off tomorrow. 

I'm a bad elf, so says little sister

I am still laughing from this one. Last year was my first year with this family and I was going through some shit and really wasn't into doing mischievous things. I'd just move from spot to spot not doing much else. This year has been different though. In addition to my adventures that you read about here I have also been doing things around the house the kiddies might like or find funny. When little sister woke up this morning and seen what I did to the tree. She was mad, and said that I was a bad elf. It took all I had not to burst out laughing and giving myself away. If she only knew.

Have a nice trip

So it seems big sister really doesn't want to play by the rules. She thinks that Santa and us elves are not real.  She is getting an attitude as big as that red-nosed flea bag Rudolph, with a mouth to match it. Well I think it is time to put that kid back in line. If I spoke to my parents in the tone she does at times I would of had my ass beaten with a licorice whip or a lollipop.

One of the house rules here is that you do not wear your shoes inside. You leave them by the door when you come in. Well Sissy didn't listen and was wearing them inside again. She has also been driving me crazy doing her doing her dance and cheer routines. Tap. Tap. Tap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Rah, rah, rah , sis. boom bah and shit. I am starting to hear those damn cheers in my sleep, even worse I catch myself saying them throughout the day. GET OUT OF MY HEAD ALREADY!

Well I came up with a little way to slow her down a bit. After I was done she was left scratching her head as to how in the hell it happened. Since daddy was at work, little sister and brother were playing and mom was in the kitchen she had no one to accuse of doing it. Let's see if she is a believer after this.

 I also left my calling card on the whipped cream that was on her pancakes for dinner tonight. Hee hee, I love how clueless humans can be sometimes.

Getting Lucky

Well Cosmo came through last night. He took me to this new club down in West Hollywood where the drinks were flowin' and the girls a hoein'. I hooked up with this hot chick in a VIP booth. This girl was just as much as a freak as I am. Being one of Santa's Little Helpers does have its perks at times. VIP access and a hot piece of ass. It doesn't get much better than that. I am so glad that I got her number. I think I will actually call this one again. 

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Now here is one ballsy elf. This is my buddy Cosmo who is living with a family in Sacramento, California. Talk about being hard core, he is hitting the hooch BEFORE flying back to the North Pole tonight. We are of the same mind when it comes to having to deal with the boss. I think I will ask him if he is up for a little Krampusnacht action this year. It has been a few years since I last ran with the Krampus. (I actually have a little Krampus blood in me. It was many many years ago when my great grandma Twinkle got a little bit freaky with one of the hairy demons after indulging in the schnapps that flows that night). How can he refuse? It is my birthday that night after all. 

I warned him not to have too much run before he left and that I'd cut him if we had to sit through another seminar on the dangers of alcohol, and how it is not elf-like blah blah blah. I also reminded him of another friend BB. Well he is BB to our little circle of friends. BB stands for Blue Balls, and not the  good kind. Well that kind is really not so good either. What I am talking about is actual BLUE balls. He was having a rough day, the kids were being brats, the dog used him as a chew toy. He downed 8 ounces of some Wild Turkey before he left for our nightly check in. Took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and somehow managed to end up in the Lapland region of Finland. (I think he got confused because the area hosts their own version of Santa's Village. It is a much nicer place if you ask me, and they don't bitch about the heating bill from your room. Yes Santa charges us rent and utilities, while paying us slave wages. I think the people who work at Wal *Mart get  paid more than we do.) Anyways back to my story BB is in Rovaniemi and has passed out drunk on top of one of the reindeer stables.There was a snowfall and well when he woke up sometime the next afternoon he was almost frozen solid and his nuts were literally blue. Like two tiny shriveled up blueberries. I still laugh when I think about that.I hope that Cosmo will still be in a drinking mood after our nightly check in. I could sure use some fun tonight. I mean it is Saturday night and I want to get my freak on. Cosmo knows where the fun is at. Lucky bastard gets assigned to California how the hell did I end up in Buffalo?  

   

A little prick for a prick.

Ha ha ha, ho, ho. ho, hee, hee, hee. The dad here thinks he is sooooo funny. At times I admit his tormenting of the kids is funny. At least I think it is. But tonight the asshole went too far. The instruction book that I brought for the family clearly states that no one is to touch me. So what does the balding bastard do? He yanks me off the top of the tree where I was perched keeping an eye on the kids. You know an Average Elf, just doing his job. He then proceeded to horseshoe me. What the fuck??!! He grabbed me off the tree. He grabbed my arms in one hand, my legs in another, straddles my body and then drags my body back and forth over his frigging dick! Who the hell does that? The kids are screaming and start to cry, dad is laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. Mom just rolled her eyes, shook her head and went back to the book she was reading. She doesn't know it but I seen her take the shot of After Shock when she went into the kitchen to refill her mug with some more tea. (Even better she didn't close the liquor cupboard door all the way. Tonight's gonna be a good night).

Well I have a little payback for daddy No Bucks here. He has to get up at like 5am on a Saturday morning in this frigid tundra to go to work. He won't be too happy when he wakes up in the morning goes out to his car and notices the surprise I left for him.

No one fucks with me and gets away with it!

Now where did mom leave that thimble? I have an open bar with no cover charge to get to.