Woohoo things that go BOOM in the night!

Hello boys and girls, it has been awhile since you last seen me I know. But I am alive and well and on a mini vacation, suspension same thing. I don't have to work. No Christmas in July for this elf. 

How did that happen you may wonder. Many people don't realize this but July starts the Christmas season for us. Just watch in no time at all you will start seeing trees, decorations and all that shit popping up in a store near you. While many of my little friends are tap tap taping away making toys for the good little girls and boys. I wanted to blow off some steam and blow some shit up. So in my spare time I was making something for those boys and girls with some balls. 

TA DA!

LMAO was the fat boy surprised last night when I lit up the North Pole well like the Fourth of July in America. (Hey it is the land I come from do not judge me.) The elves working in the stalls were literally up to their necks in reindeer shit. It was fucking hilarious. I'll have to remember to do this again when that asshole Brad is on mucking duty. I did manage to put a few away for a rainy day.

Well since now that I have some free time maybe I will see you around a bit more.

Peace out!

So sad

After the two horrible tragedies that happened today I say screw the rules. I am going to hug those kids after the go to bed tonight, and they will be getting a good report tonight even with them acting like little monsters.

Poor Susie

Poor, poor sweet Susie. She had her magic revoked and was tossed out of her home. She even got banned from the North Pole. No one is saying what she did to receive the harshest punishment of all,  but I have it from a real good source that Mrs. Claus lost her shit on her when she seen Susie kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. Well a couple of nights ago actually, last night just sounded better.You know like that song the people sing about mommy kissing Santa Claus.

 A few of us got the surprise of our lives when we got together for Chip's bachelor party last night.

Susie was the ummm entertainment! Boy was her face as red as the suits we are forced to wear. When she seen us there. Many, many years ago we had a little thing going on. I will tell you this that girl sure knew how to work a pole. Maybe that is why Santa has been extra jolly lately. I just hope that this little spat at the Pole doesn't affect Christmas this year. 

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty

Kitty, why haven't you called?  It has been like a week since I last heard from you. I miss you. I went on a Christmas cookies bender last night. I ate almost all the cookies that mom had made. Luckily she blamed the girls for that one. I will never get all the sprinkles off my suit, they are just like fucking glitter I will still be finding some this times next year.

Now where is that Pepto?

Greedy little sons of bitches

So I thought I'd help out again. I know, I know I am such a giving elf going above and beyond the call of duty here. I thought I'd be nice and hang up the kid's stocking here. 

HOLY HELL WTF! These things are huge! I don't mean larger than normal I mean they are the size of this family's two year old son, and he is huge, not fat just tall. He is the size of a small 3 year old. I think I overheard mom saying on the phone last month at his 2 year appointment that he was already at 36 inches. That is 3 feet tall.

Just how much crap do they think that they will get? I know for a FACT that they will not be filled that much with the attitudes that they have had here these past few days. If they were my kids they would of been beat.  

Such a pretty mouth

Oh Barbie maybe I was wrong. Maybe deep down I liked you bossing me around. Maybe I was mad because of how you spurned my affections in the past. I'm sorry Barbie, but at least now I can have part of you forever. After the holidays I am going to take you back to my place at the North Pole where we can be together forever you pretty, pretty, girl. Now give me a kiss.

Vote for me.

I need your help here if you could please go to this page Inappropriate Elf Contest and vote for me in a contest I promise to get really really bad, and if I win fan favorite Watch out world!  Please feel free to share this link with your friends and ask them to vote for me too. Please & Thank you.

I am number 31 and it is this photo since we were told to keep it PG-13