Wow, everything really IS on the internet

So in a way I got last night off as the family took an overnight trip for big sister's cheer competition. I got bored and jumped on-line. I found the most interesting site. I never knew there were other kinds of elves. The computers at the North Pole told us that only kind of elves out there are us, ones that make shoes, and those that live in trees and make cookies. Never did it show anyone tall elves with long flowing hair. Elves who ride tigers. Elves who have long legs that go up to their neck. Elves that hardly wear any clothing. Warrior elves who don't take any shit from anyone. Elves that can beat your ass. Oh how I wish that this tall goddess would beat my ass. Speaking of beating I got to go umm make some cookies.

Oh My Mistletoe!

After totally tossing all the laundry that was neatly folded on the couch all over the floor last night, I decided to kick back on the couch with a cold one and watch some television. I was mesmerized when I came upon this show while channel surfing. The show is called Dexter. That man is brilliant! I have a new favorite show. If you have not seen it I highly suggest you start watching it.

I was really getting into the show when this bitch Barbie, sashays into the room and demands that I move from "her spot". She also grabs the remote away from me and puts on this Project Runway shit. Dafaq?

She orders me to get her a snack. Fuck that shit. I was about to tell her where to go and how to get there when an idea popped into my head. I made like I was going to do Her Royal Pain in the Ass' bidding. I skip into the kitchen with a smile plastered on my face. I search the kitchen for some things that I will need. I do pick up a little snack as well. Barbie did have a good call there. I could have gone for a too, and it would make what I was about to do so much easier. As she moved to get the snack, CHOP! OFF WITH HER HEAD. 

Her days of being a bitch are done. Thanks for the idea Dexter. I'm your biggest little fan! 

Lending a helping hand.

Never let it be said that I just sit here and spy on this family. No sir. I help out here and there when I can with some of the household chores. After all I really am a good elf. Why just this evening while mom took the kids to big sister's cheer practice I took it upon myself to clean the privy. There was even a perfect sized brush right there in the same room for me to use. Must of been my lucky day. 

So that is how I got home

Thanks for the lift Chuck. I passed out in the same spot I was before I left and the little sister called me out on it. Oh well. don't care. 

Sneaked out early

Figured what the hell and cut out of here early tonight. I sent Santa a text saying that one of the kids is sick and I looks like they will be up all night so I won't be able to sneak away since they were laying on the couch and planned on sleeping there all night.

I couldn't wait to get out of here and meet up with Kitty, the girl from the other night. She had said that she had a birthday surprise for me. Can I say BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!? Holy shit this is one crazy chick. But crazy in a good way. I head over to her apartment and she had a little surprise party planned for me. Her and two of her friends were having a slumber party and I was invited to join them to bust a nut or two. Have I mentioned how glad I am I got this one's number.

Even better they didn't expect me to hang around afterwards. Told me to go out with my friends for some Krampusnact fun. 

For those that don't know about the krampus, they are demon like creatures that punish the bad childern on the eve of St. Nicholas' Day. The krampus capture the naughty children, put them in his sack and carries them away to his liar.  

This is the traditional image of a krampus. No wonders great granny went for him with a tongue like that, whips and chains I bet he drove all the girls crazy. Now a days it is an excuse to knock back a few drinks, get dressed up in a costume, and wander the streets scaring little children that happen to be out and beating random strangers with sticks. Sometimes even going door to door of local homes where it is customary to give the demons some schnapps. I do love me some cinnamon schnapps. It is like trick or treating for drunks.   

Well frost my cookies.

Well tie me up with Christmas lights and tickle me with tinsel! I am in shock here I tell you, SHOCK!

I just had a visit here from the Boss Man himself and a few of my friends from the North Pole. They brought me a cupcake and sang to me. Ginger and her hubby Stan even sneaked me in a special treat. Lets just say I am no longer freezing my chestnuts off here. I do think it is funny though, never before has Santa visited me while on the job. Either someone is a narc or he wanted to check out the rack on the mom here. What a rack it is.  

Dream on Cosmo.

So I hear my text notification going off and I see that Cosmo has sent me a photo. I open it up and see this.  He wishes. On another note that girl from the club in Hollywood called me and wants to get together tomorrow night for my birthday. She said that she picked me up a little something and wants to give it to me. All I want to do is give it to her again, and again, and again. Right now I feel as big as that banana Cosmo is molesting. I hope I'll be peeling her clothes off tomorrow.